This is a hard one.
Probably the hardest blog I’ll ever write but it’s an important one.
My best friend of 14 years died last night.
My dog.
My Bella.
Bella was my best (and sometimes my only) friend.
I got her when I was 20.
I’m now 34.
She walked through the darkest parts of my life with me.
From addiction and heartbreak to marriage and kids.
No matter how chaotic and scary my 20s were, I could always trust that Bella would be there for me.
She kept every secret I’ve ever had.
She was my firstborn.
She was my entire world before I had kids.
I remember nights I would be so downcast in my 20s and I would just cry while she licked away my tears.
I’ve never grieved a pet.
Honestly, I’ve never felt this kind of grief before.
My heart feels like it was ripped from my chest and the pain is unexplainable.
My life will never ever be the same.
Bella was so much more than a dog.
She was my therapist, my diary, my pillow, my tear licker, my howler, my everything (at one point).
She saved me from myself so many times, too many to count.
The funny meme that goes around that says “my therapy dog needs a therapy dog” that was Bella haha.
She was an anxious mess too, but I think that’s what drew us to each other.
We were both hot messes, but we weren’t messy when we were together.
I thought I was losing her a year ago, I was a wreck then too.
I told my husband “I can’t kill her, I want her to pass on her own terms at home!”
I said that for A YEAR!
So yesterday, after frantically calling 6 places late last night and the 6th one finally able to come, I had accepted that I needed to make the decision as she was in really bad shape.
I ran downstairs to open the gate for the veterinarian and when I came back she was in the final stages of crossing the rainbow bridge already.
I got to be there when she passed (so did my dad) and I got to walk her for the last time to the veterinarian’s vehicle.
I chose to do that to honor her.
It was so much easier for me to process knowing she went on her own but I would be lying if I said I’m ok.
Thankfully, the kids were in bed asleep when all of this occurred, but they woke up to a less full house.
It hit my oldest the hardest as she’s likely the only one who truly bonded with Bella.
When she was a baby, she used to get Bella to howl for hours. It drove me nuts but it was the sweetest.
I’m honored that Bella chose me as her furrever.
I look forward to the beautiful day we can meet again.
I wish I could have outlived Bella as this pain is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.
This week, hug your fur babies extra tight for me and Bella.
I love you Bella.
I always will.
Thank you.
❤️The Aut Mama❤️
***I know euthanizing isn’t killing but my brain views it that way for my own animal. So don’t come for me and my intrusive thoughts. Mkay?!***
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